Pilot post 11/4

Hey it's me.

I don't expect anyone to read this blog. it's just for me to get some stuff off my mind.

Right now, I'm feeling pretty gosh damn lonely. Just broke up with a great guy on Saturday whom I didn't have feelings for. I know I'm not ready for a relationship but I miss having that companionship. I would love to still hang out like we were but I feel like he isn't comfortable with that. I may be analyzing too much but that's on my mind.

I feel like I am not good in relationships. I'm terrible at communicating how I feel about something because I don't want to be seen as a bitch or controlling. I just don't know how a good girlfriend is supposed to act. I'm sure this is normal but it just sucks because I feel like I will never be a good girlfriend. The thing is, maybe I'm not a good girlfriend because I'm not ready to commit to someone just yet. I'm a free spirit and like doing my own thing, but at the same time I miss having that sweetheart to text and have cuddle me.

Growing up is really tough I guess but I just keep trucking along.

It doesn't help that I'm trying to get into the nursing program here at my college. It is very competitive anywhere you go and you must be almost perfect in school. I, of course, am not a perfect student. I'm good at school but i'm not a straight A student. i like having a social life too.

I think i'm slipping into one of my major bouts of depression. All i wanna do is lay around and sleep. I look for excuses to take naps even if im not tired. Having seasonal affective disorder makes winter tough for me and I have a feeling this winter is going to be very tough.

Luckily, I am heading to Germany over winter break. A change of view will be beneficial to me. I get antsy staying in one place too long.

I have this ball of anger like building up in me and I don't know why. It may be anger at myself for not being a fucking skinny ass barbie or a good girlfriend. It may also be because I just fucking hate myself and im never going to be good enough for anyone. Im so fucking angry all the time. i am pounding on my keyboard right now and i need to scream.

I'm tired of looking at my phone and not seeing texts. i hate always logging into facebook with nothing new to see. im tired of social media.

im so scatter brained and i cant even focus.

i just dont know.